Kathy Barnes-Lou cared for her mom for 14 years earlier than her loss of life. She discovered that caregiving can deliver life’s goal into focus, even because it grinds you down.
AYESHA RASCOE, HOST:
Within the U.S. at the moment, nearly 1 in 4 adults are caring for an ageing or chronically sick member of the family or buddy. And there’s no nationwide system for elder care, so caregivers largely do all of it on their very own.
KATHY BARNES-LOU: , as a caregiver, you are an advocate. You are the person who cleans the house and orders the meds, will get the provides, schedule medical doctors’ appointments.
RASCOE: That is Kathy Barnes-Lou, whose mom had Parkinson’s illness and lived together with her in Memphis, Tennessee, till her loss of life final 12 months. She shared her story with reporter Kat McGowan, who’s bringing us these portraits of caregivers.
KAT MCGOWAN: Barnes-Lou cared for her mother for over 10 years, and over that point, she needed to let go of most of her previous life.
BARNES-LOU: Caregiving is so tough. Even on the actually good days, it is simply tough since you’re abandoning relationships, careers, revenue, pensions, retirement. All of that I am abandoning.
MCGOWAN: Finally, it grew to become a 24/7 job. Her mom wanted assist with all the pieces.
BARNES-LOU: Most likely the final 4 years of her life, she was bedbound in a hospital mattress right here in our house. And so all the pieces occurs in these dimensions, which is, like, 80 inches by 36 inches. That’s her world, and I would develop into such an intimate a part of that world.
MCGOWAN: Like the vast majority of all household caregivers, Barnes-Lou had no exterior assist. She had solely her husband for help.
BARNES-LOU: So I might wake within the morning, and I might put together her medicine. And I might go into her room, and I might, you understand, say, good morning, Mother. And I might inform her I like her and ask her what she’d need for breakfast. And she or he couldn’t feed herself, so I might feed her.
MCGOWAN: Barnes-Lou additionally needed to grasp abilities like bodily remedy and managing medicines. She primarily grew to become her mom’s personal nurse.
BARNES-LOU: She had a wound that I needed to look after and costume and maintain clear and keep and alter her garments, change her sheets. Some folks could by no means have the chance of adjusting sheets whereas somebody is mendacity within the mattress. That’s utterly useless weight, and you have to learn to navigate that, how you can transfer them safely whereas getting dirty sheets off.
MCGOWAN: To maintain her mom’s physique versatile, she needed to transfer her legs and arms each two hours all day – and, for some time, all evening too.
BARNES-LOU: Despite the fact that I used to be simply bodily exhausted, utterly spent from the day’s efforts, I might by no means reveal it to her. So I might kiss her, and I would depart her room. After which I would take into consideration, you understand, simply how a lot I like her. However on the identical time, my physique and my thoughts is kind of looking and foraging for extra bodily and emotional sources. , eight or 9 hours later, I do know that I will should rise up and do it once more.
MCGOWAN: However caring for her mother was additionally satisfying. In some methods, she says, it was even a aid.
BARNES-LOU: I knew – once I shut that door, I used to be so comforted realizing she’s in an surroundings the place she is beloved. And so, subsequently, that interprets into me as nicely. I get a way of peace and luxury realizing that I am offering this for my mom, although, you understand, it’s stripping me of my bodily sources, my emotional sources on the identical time.
MCGOWAN: Her mom died in April of 2025, and Barnes-Lou continues to be recovering from the toll that caregiving took on her thoughts and physique. However she says she’s clear about why she did it, and she or he has no regrets.
BARNES-LOU: So I would not change something. I might by no means change this expertise, and I might do it yet again. I might signal proper up.
MCGOWAN: For NPR Information, I am Kat McGowan.
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