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WARFIGHTERS! As a step to creating positive we’re prepared for warfare always, we’ve got determined to ELIMINATE THE MANDATORY FLU SHOT! Nothing says “we’re prepared for conflict” like “all of us have the flu.”
Get your hot-water bottles! Get your ibuprofen! Not Tylenol, although! It is aware of what it did. As a result of we’re bringing FLU to the warfighters! Are you able to have a RUNNY NOSE and an ITCHY THROAT? Are you able to get REALLY SERIOUSLY DEHYDRATED AND NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION? Hoo-RAH!
We’ll terrify the enemy by coming in scorching! And once I say scorching I imply our temperatures! We’ll want COUGH DROPS, and we are going to knock these again, CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH, with a sound extra scary than gunfire. This may strike worry into the hearts of the enemy. They may say issues like “Do you want a tissue?” and “Are you okay?” and when they’re providing us that tissue, we are going to strike. After which we are going to return to mattress and lie below a tactical pile of warfighting blankets. Peak efficiency is when you have got a horrible headache and wish to be asleep, and everytime you open your mouth you sound like somebody took garden shears to your vocal cords. YEAH!
We’re going to expertise BODILY ACHES and, after all, CHILLS! That is the warfighter means! Not having the flu was holding us again. Once we are nondrowsy with maximum-strength treatment we are going to even perhaps SEE GOD AND COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. (He’s male and he loves it if you do a push-up! Just lately, he whispered in my ear that conflict crimes are okay, confirming what I had all the time suspected to be true!)
If footage of me doing an incorrect push-up can not intimidate America’s foes, the information that our entire combating power MIGHT HAVE THE FLU AT ANY TIME and is CERTAINLY VULNERABLE TO THE LATEST STRAIN will! Yeah, we aren’t afraid to stare demise within the face. That can most likely impress them.
I haven’t washed my arms in additional than 10 years! I don’t see germs. I’m the secretary of conflict, and I demand that each cell in my physique be combating at each second. Particularly the white blood cells (most likely essentially the most meritorious kind of cell, and the one type I’d promote). I would like them to struggle on a regular basis. That’s the Pete Hegseth legacy: pointless, pointless battles in every single place you look. Towards the media. Towards our personal guidelines of engagement. Towards historical past. Towards the flu. All battles I’m assured we are able to win, with little to no casualties. (Please don’t inform me about any occasions that occurred previously, say between the yr 1918 and the current.)
The most effective warrior is he who fights essentially the most. Particularly when he doesn’t have to. I believe Solar Tzu mentioned that. However I’d by no means learn Solar Tzu. First, he’s from a nation I think about a geopolitical foe. And second, Solar Tzu is useless. I’ll by no means die. I’m too robust a warrior.
Some say George Washington, who labored laborious to inoculate the troops 250 years in the past, could be ashamed of this improvement. I say, I’m ashamed of George Washington. He wasn’t man sufficient to face down illness unassisted. I guess he couldn’t do a single push-up.
